The Ballad of Pepper Mills by Robski

I was picking up my usual at the grocery store today lean turkey burger meat, raisin bran, breakfast blend K cups, random nibbly things and store brand paper towels. I got to the check out line and as always I was doing the self check out because I don't like strange people handling my food. Well not strange people as much as the creepy oldsters that work at my supermarket. Don't judge, they lick their old swollen arthritic fingers while they handle your food and put it in your bag, GROSS. So I'm just checking away when this horrible ugly little child maybe 2 or 3 years old runs to the end of my line and starts grabbing all my previously scanned items at the end of the aisle. BTW Yes children can be ugly I may be the only one who will admit it but there are many of your friends and people you see everyday with ugly children so own it. 

Let me be clear I don't hate all children, some of my friends and family have the most awesome and adorable kids you ever have seen. I love my nieces and nephews more than I could possibly say, I once received a video message from a nephew that was so touching my heart actually beat again for a good 5 seconds. 

A while ago The Missus and I discussed having our own child so of course that means adopting. To catch you up we aren't the fancy kind of rich gays that can afford the white children so we were going to have to go get a girl from China like many of our friends. Sidebar: you can always pick out the really rich gays in a crowd, they are the ones with the white adopted children. The Missus thought it would be wonderful to bring a little girl home from China and spoil her with the best schools and I would buy her the best clothes and toys, she would have amazing cousins her age to relate to and grow up with The Missus was really excited.

I wasn't on board just yet so we decided to think it over and after the initial fear of eating strange food in Hong Kong when picking her up wore off a new fear arose, what it we got an ugly child! I had to bring myself back down so I thought even if we get an ugly one I could keep her on as staff, I really said that. I meant that too I mean how much worse is doing my housework compared to making bootleg Louis Vuitton purses, wallets and shoes in a sweatshop for 16 hours a day I think she'd be making out in the deal. Plus I would be giving her an awesome name "Pepper Mills" that alone would be worth scrubbing the poop stains out of The Missus' underwear.

While I was on the fence still The Missus was really into the idea of adopting Pepper Mills and it's true I will do anything to make my Missus happy. As the discussion went on over several days a friend with a couple kids stopped by. The kids spilled our water cooler, messed up our cabinets, they played with my collectible toys, broke a $30 wine glass and interrupted us every chance they could. At times we had asked our friend to go to New York with us but our friend couldn't because of the kids. This wasn't the first time our friend couldn't do something many times our friend couldn't go to movies, or go out at night for a cocktail and of course we understood why but The Missus remembered all the fun times that were missed. Our friend and the children left and The Missus said to me having a kid means not having nice things and not going out as much to which I  enthusiastically confirmed YES. Just like that Pepper Mills was to remain in China.  

Back to the supermarket now, here was this ugly child taking my scanned items and there was no mother to be found. I did not want any responsibility for this ugly child so I immediately scan for a parent or a store employee. A minute or 2 passes and eventually a mother shows up with a look of surprise that she had found the child so quickly. The mother reminded me of Ke$ha she wasn't pretty but she wasn't ugly either she seemed a bit off and a little dirty. I don't know her story so I can't judge her, I will say if I go out in public with my nieces and nephews they don't leave my sight for a second and I understand how difficult that is. 

I don't know why but as I get older there seems to be a lot of judgmental                   people out there about me not having kids. I would never judge anyone for having kids so I can't understand why they would judge me for knowing I could never offer the guidance and attention a child needs to be raised properly, but I know I can be the greatest uncle on the planet. My heart does not weep for little Pepper Mills sitting in a sweat shop in China somewhere things worked out OK for Annie after all. Perhaps there is a Chinese Daddy Warbucks out there right now ready to snatch up little Pepper Mills. Perhaps he will spoil her with birthday parties at Chong-E-Cheeses and feed her all the raw squid she can eat. Then probably send her to earn her keep in the sweat shop. 

So if you are ever in Hong Kong and you see a young girl emerge from a door in a back alley holding arm full's of bootleg Louis Vuitton apparel take a step back pay attention to the quality craftsmanship, look at that attention to detail in the stitching and think to yourself..... well done Pepper Mills your could have been dads are proud of you, now back to work.