I was driving to work this morning listening to a conservative talk show host make the claim that gay marriage passing the Supreme Court will lead to trouble. If the supreme court strikes down Proposition 8 that gay marriage will spread. Straight people will suddenly become gay. Homosexuality will spread. Our society will burn. Whole families will die out. The streets will be over run with sin and rape! The very pillars that morality is built on will crumble. I heard this and I celebrated in my car!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT! Do you mean straight dudes will wake up tomorrow and suddenly want some dick?
CONGRATS
TO
US
Oh the dream... you enter a coffee shop, order a tall cup of joe, "room for cream?" "Obvi bro!" Being gay is amazing. Sure you are going to be discriminated against, beaten by thugs in the street, and the most common term to demean a male is the same term used to classify your group. But do you know what being gay means? It means you can have sex all the time. With almost anyone. There are areas of the city that are dedicated to gay dudes banging and that's it. No names exchanged. No hand shakes, Yes handjobs. I am friends with a gay couple that hang out in Provincetown once a week in the summer. I went down to visit, meeting the larger group of gays they were friends with. After dinner and some drinks we went back to their house. We talked and laughed for hours. It was magical. Another house guest came home after dancing and partying. We said hello and he decided to go to bed, but before he left he dropped this little gem... a look into the wonderful world of being gay. He said "I have to take a night off, I slept with someone on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I am tired. I need a night off". I said "Was this the same person?' he said "no no no, all different".
WHAT? That rock star fucking numbers without the stupid touring and all the trash. I bet Peter Criss didn't bang this many chicks, and that muther fucker was in seventies Kiss!!!!!!! He goes to a regular job, and still bangs like he's Jon Bon Jovi crica 1989... goddamn.
I know this is the place for my kind. I am already a member of a gay group "The Bears". I like to think of myself as more of an otter or cub but whatever. I don't care. In the straight community I am a member of "The weirdly fat, balding, I have man boobs club". That club has another name, a more common name "The you do not sleep with many ladies club". But as a gay, I am part of a class. It's like Dungeons and Dragons of the sex world. There are so many groups, and believe me there is a group for you. Silver Foxes. Otters. Chubbies. Gym rats. Nerds. Everyone is welcome!
Gays, I am confused. Why are you fighting for this? Marriage Equality? Why? Have you hung out with a lot of married couples? They are not fun.. at all. Have you ever heard of something called STAND UP comedy. Look it up, and see how much time is spent shitting on marriage. Married couples are not fun. Sure they are in the beginning. They go out, go to shows, get drunk, party. Now give them 5 years and goodness. It's like a constant suicide watch. Here is the only proof that marriage sucks. Have you ever seen a marriage parade? Never. I have seen gay parades, it looks like the a porn site exploded. Gay parades are awesome. What would a marriage parade look like? A float goes featuring a guy is holding a purse and the woman is shopping. Or the wife is sleeping and the dude is watching porn. Or the guy is watching football while the wife is upstairs reading her copy of 50 shades of gray and taking a looooong bath?. Sounds amazing. Wow. Stop it gay people, this is not the road you want to go down.
But hey I am straight so if the gays do this and it leads to my brethren going shit dick crazy, then it's a good sacrifice. Go ahead. Your new right for gay marriage will lead to the magic gay button in our heads being pushed and the straights will rejoice.
Truth be told, this fight isn't for me. I am a happily "married" man, to the best girl in the world. This fight is for my fat, bald, and not looking to fix it brothers.
Pray for it fatties. Please supreme court do justice to all the fat dudes in the world. Open the doors to the world of rock star sex. Good luck.
Ev Orfa
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