DNA Delight by Robski

While driving down 9th Avenue the other day I saw the truck in the picture below and thought to myself YES! New York City really does have everything

When I saw the words "DNA" on the side of the truck I thought to myself what a brilliant idea for a food truck in the gay friendly section of Hells Kitchen. I thought the queens of Hells Kitchen will certainly make this business venture a huge success. I was picturing gay men lining up around the block like people did in the 90s for soup from the Soup Nazi. Since I was driving I couldn't investigate the truck up close but I assumed the boys probably walked up to a hole on the side of the truck and ordered off the menu which I assumed would offer everything from North and South American to Indian to Zimbabwean  then dispensed the hot lunch of their choice. 

It was only after my mind had wandered the traffic light turned green the cars moved then driving by I could see the paternity and testing written on the truck. With this disappointment my mind wandered again and I thought does Maury know some over rated taxi driver is encroaching on his niche market? Maybe they could put camera's inside the DNA truck then film the results with Maury there. What a great idea for an exciting new spinoff series, think of the random people wanting to use this trucks services. Then have Maury waiting inside with cameras Chris Hanson style it's the perfect blend for some fantastic trashy TV. 

Maury & The DNA Truck are two great tastes that have to taste great together, we could call the show Cum Cab! No that just makes me think of lunch again, never mind.

Robski Reviews: Pink, Partying and Passover

Pink brought her Truth About Love Tour to the TD Garden on 3/28/13 and for the first time since the late 90s I'm about to say..... last night I enjoyed Pink. After some serious pre-gaming at The Grand Canal I walked into The Garden to see a variety of men and women dressed in pink wigs, pink shirts, pink dresses, pink hats, pink glow sticks, pink nails, pink shoes. There was pink everywhere I hadn't seen that much pink since that time I was "experimenting" in the late 90's. 

Yes people we'll be doing vagina jokes today.

Before the show started I was drinking with some random lesbians at the bar outside the lodges entrance on the second level. There are few places to buy hard alcohol in TD Garden so your placement is everything otherwise you'll be standing in the "Shots" line with drunken party girls carrying oversized Frozen Margarita glasses bumping into you while looking for a bathroom. 

I'm 100% a Dyke Daddy, I get along better with lesbians than I do most gay men so I was having a blast and to top it off one woman even offered me $8 to buy my T-shirt and switch shirts with her. I told her I paid $35 for it but lesbians are known for being thrifty (e.g. Suze Orman) so I knew a lesbian $8 offer was a fair offer still I declined, I just wouldn't look right in a T-shirt covered in dream catchers.

I went in to the arena thinking it was going to be me and 20,000 lesbians and that I would be in hog-less heaven. Instead I got pockets of gays and lesbians but mostly a lot of young 40s boring white women. Behind us sat a group of 40 year old soccer mom types who talked the entire show, the only time the stopped talking was to sing along with the one song they knew "Sober" then back to talking and some bad dancing that made Elaine Benes' Seinfeld dance look like Swan Lake. 

The show was a lot like her 2009 Funhouse Tour there was a circus atmosphere complete with a pan sexual ringmaster type. The difference between the two tours is this one looked a lot more expensive with more dancers, fancier staging and pyrotechnics. There was also a lot more Cirque Du Soleil type high flying stunts in the air which delighted the lesbians around us to the point of what appeared to be seat wetting, would that make it Cirque De Solabia? 

Pink did all of her hits and some new album songs as well. She sounded and looked great, but she also appears to have softened a bit which as an artist is not such a bad thing. The last 2 songs of the night were the crowds favorites. First she sang "Get The Party Started" while strapped in (not on you dirty pig) a contraption that flew her above the crowd from the lodges to the balconies. 

Then the last song of the night was fan/lesbian favorite "Glitter In The Air" again she is roped in to a Cirque Se Solabia style apparatus and sings while dancers perform up in the air with her. By the end of the song she is drenched in water and spins around in her ropes getting the audience wet as well, not just the lesbians this time.  

For me this show was too similar to her last tour and lacked the audience connection she had with her last tour. I still enjoyed the show and was glad I went but not enough to make me want to go back when she returns to Boston in December.

If there was a loss of connection between Pink and her audience last night I am going to have to say it's because she now appeals to a broader and somewhat different audience than in previous shows. I am happy Pink is now getting a larger audience and selling out arenas because that means more money for her and in return we'll get more Pink (I just threw up a little after thinking about what I just typed). 

I do want more Pink and apparently the 5 foot fuzzy Jewish man next to me wants more Pink too, he freely offered the Jewish information to me BTW because it was a big deal for him and his wife to see a concert during Passover. Mr Littlejew danced the night away like he was lip synching for his LIFE in front of RuPaul, all while his wife kept the Jewish woman stereotype alive and well by not moving once during the entire performance. 

I love closet Jewish gays and their miserable wives, other peoples misery makes me feel alive inside, as Martha Stewart says "It's a good thing".

Gay Marriage Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

I was driving to work this morning listening to a conservative talk show host make the claim that gay marriage passing the Supreme Court will lead to trouble.  If the supreme court strikes down Proposition 8 that gay marriage will spread.  Straight people will suddenly become gay.  Homosexuality will spread.  Our society will burn.  Whole families will die out.  The streets will be over run with sin and rape! The very pillars that morality is built on will crumble.  I heard this and I celebrated in my car!!!!!!!!!  HOLY SHIT!  Do you mean straight dudes will wake up tomorrow and suddenly want some dick?
CONGRATS
TO
US
Oh the dream... you enter a coffee shop, order a tall cup of joe, "room for cream?"  "Obvi bro!"  Being gay is amazing.  Sure you are going to be discriminated against, beaten by thugs in the street, and the most common term to demean a male is the same term used to classify your group.  But do you know what being gay means?  It means you can have sex all the time.  With almost anyone.  There are areas of the city that are dedicated to gay dudes banging and that's it.  No names exchanged.  No hand shakes, Yes handjobs.  I am friends with a gay couple that hang out in Provincetown once a week in the summer.  I went down to visit, meeting the larger group of gays they were friends with.  After dinner and some drinks we went back to their house.  We talked and laughed for hours.  It was magical.  Another house guest came home after dancing and partying.  We said hello and he decided to go to bed, but before he left he dropped this little gem... a look into the wonderful world of being gay.  He said "I have to take a night off, I slept with someone on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.  I am tired.  I need a night off".  I said "Was this the same person?'  he said "no no no, all different".
WHAT? That rock star fucking numbers without the stupid touring and all the trash.  I bet Peter Criss didn't bang this many chicks, and that muther fucker was in seventies Kiss!!!!!!!  He goes to a regular job, and still bangs like he's Jon Bon Jovi crica 1989... goddamn.

Clearly Paul Stanley had Rockstar style sex, with a lot of dudes

I know this is the place for my kind.  I am already a member of a gay group "The Bears".  I like to think of myself as more of an otter or cub but whatever.  I don't care.  In the straight community I am a member of "The weirdly fat, balding, I have man boobs club".  That club has another name, a more common name "The you do not sleep with many ladies club".  But as a gay, I am part of a class.  It's like Dungeons and Dragons of the sex world.  There are so many groups, and believe me there is a group for you.  Silver Foxes.  Otters.  Chubbies.  Gym rats.  Nerds.  Everyone is welcome!


Gays, I am confused.  Why are you fighting for this? Marriage Equality?  Why?  Have you hung out with a lot of married couples?  They are not fun.. at all.  Have you ever heard of something called STAND UP comedy.  Look it up, and see how much time is spent shitting on marriage.  Married couples are not fun.  Sure they are in the beginning.  They go out, go to shows, get drunk, party.  Now give them 5 years and goodness.  It's like a constant suicide watch.  Here is the only proof that marriage sucks.  Have you ever seen a marriage parade?  Never.  I have seen gay parades, it looks like the a porn site exploded.  Gay parades are awesome.  What would a marriage parade look like?  A float goes featuring a guy is holding a purse and the woman is shopping.  Or the wife is sleeping and the dude is watching porn.  Or the guy is watching football while the wife is upstairs reading her copy of 50 shades of gray and taking a looooong bath?.  Sounds amazing.  Wow.  Stop it gay people, this is not the road you want to go down.
But hey I am straight so if the gays do this and it leads to my brethren going shit dick crazy, then it's a good sacrifice.  Go ahead.  Your new right for gay marriage will lead to the magic gay button in our heads being pushed and the straights will rejoice.
Truth be told, this fight isn't for me.  I am a happily "married" man, to the best girl in the world.  This fight is for my fat, bald, and not looking to fix it brothers.
Pray for it fatties.  Please supreme court do justice to all the fat dudes in the world.  Open the doors to the world of rock star sex.  Good luck.
Ev Orfa

The Ballad of Pepper Mills by Robski

I was picking up my usual at the grocery store today lean turkey burger meat, raisin bran, breakfast blend K cups, random nibbly things and store brand paper towels. I got to the check out line and as always I was doing the self check out because I don't like strange people handling my food. Well not strange people as much as the creepy oldsters that work at my supermarket. Don't judge, they lick their old swollen arthritic fingers while they handle your food and put it in your bag, GROSS. So I'm just checking away when this horrible ugly little child maybe 2 or 3 years old runs to the end of my line and starts grabbing all my previously scanned items at the end of the aisle. BTW Yes children can be ugly I may be the only one who will admit it but there are many of your friends and people you see everyday with ugly children so own it. 

Let me be clear I don't hate all children, some of my friends and family have the most awesome and adorable kids you ever have seen. I love my nieces and nephews more than I could possibly say, I once received a video message from a nephew that was so touching my heart actually beat again for a good 5 seconds. 

A while ago The Missus and I discussed having our own child so of course that means adopting. To catch you up we aren't the fancy kind of rich gays that can afford the white children so we were going to have to go get a girl from China like many of our friends. Sidebar: you can always pick out the really rich gays in a crowd, they are the ones with the white adopted children. The Missus thought it would be wonderful to bring a little girl home from China and spoil her with the best schools and I would buy her the best clothes and toys, she would have amazing cousins her age to relate to and grow up with The Missus was really excited.

I wasn't on board just yet so we decided to think it over and after the initial fear of eating strange food in Hong Kong when picking her up wore off a new fear arose, what it we got an ugly child! I had to bring myself back down so I thought even if we get an ugly one I could keep her on as staff, I really said that. I meant that too I mean how much worse is doing my housework compared to making bootleg Louis Vuitton purses, wallets and shoes in a sweatshop for 16 hours a day I think she'd be making out in the deal. Plus I would be giving her an awesome name "Pepper Mills" that alone would be worth scrubbing the poop stains out of The Missus' underwear.

While I was on the fence still The Missus was really into the idea of adopting Pepper Mills and it's true I will do anything to make my Missus happy. As the discussion went on over several days a friend with a couple kids stopped by. The kids spilled our water cooler, messed up our cabinets, they played with my collectible toys, broke a $30 wine glass and interrupted us every chance they could. At times we had asked our friend to go to New York with us but our friend couldn't because of the kids. This wasn't the first time our friend couldn't do something many times our friend couldn't go to movies, or go out at night for a cocktail and of course we understood why but The Missus remembered all the fun times that were missed. Our friend and the children left and The Missus said to me having a kid means not having nice things and not going out as much to which I  enthusiastically confirmed YES. Just like that Pepper Mills was to remain in China.  

Back to the supermarket now, here was this ugly child taking my scanned items and there was no mother to be found. I did not want any responsibility for this ugly child so I immediately scan for a parent or a store employee. A minute or 2 passes and eventually a mother shows up with a look of surprise that she had found the child so quickly. The mother reminded me of Ke$ha she wasn't pretty but she wasn't ugly either she seemed a bit off and a little dirty. I don't know her story so I can't judge her, I will say if I go out in public with my nieces and nephews they don't leave my sight for a second and I understand how difficult that is. 

I don't know why but as I get older there seems to be a lot of judgmental                   people out there about me not having kids. I would never judge anyone for having kids so I can't understand why they would judge me for knowing I could never offer the guidance and attention a child needs to be raised properly, but I know I can be the greatest uncle on the planet. My heart does not weep for little Pepper Mills sitting in a sweat shop in China somewhere things worked out OK for Annie after all. Perhaps there is a Chinese Daddy Warbucks out there right now ready to snatch up little Pepper Mills. Perhaps he will spoil her with birthday parties at Chong-E-Cheeses and feed her all the raw squid she can eat. Then probably send her to earn her keep in the sweat shop. 

So if you are ever in Hong Kong and you see a young girl emerge from a door in a back alley holding arm full's of bootleg Louis Vuitton apparel take a step back pay attention to the quality craftsmanship, look at that attention to detail in the stitching and think to yourself..... well done Pepper Mills your could have been dads are proud of you, now back to work.

French Fry Giveaway!

French Fries.  Somebody needs to explain to me just what in the fuck is going on with all these burger joints and the god damn french fries. I mean honestly, it's like "5 Guys" is spitting in my pasty Irish face when I order them with my tasty burger.  Don't they realize my Irish people suffered the great potato famine?  Thousands upon thousands of Irish people starved to death because of it.  And "5 Guys" is serving you an entire SACK of them with every order.  And that's if you remember to order the small.  If you fuck up and order the large, they just give you a wheelbarrow full and you walk that over to your table.  And if you are picking up an order for a friend?  Well fuck.  They just have a guy follow you to your car and rig up a shipping container to your car and fill it to the brim with natural cut, bland tasting french fries.

                                                              A Small takeout order of fries at "5 Guys"

If all of those dead potato famine victims could see these upscal horsemeat slingers just giving away mountains of french fried perdaders they would rise from their graves and they would "crunchify" the shit out of Bobby Flays fat head**.  That jerk is taking the Irish insult to a whole other level.  His volume of potato waste knows no match.  He starts off the insult by literally giving you a bucket of french fries. A BUCKET! No small. No large. Just the bucket option. An overflowing metal bucket of salty, natural cut death.

At least "5 Guys" pretends to give you the size you order even if they do fill the takeout bag with one of those packing peanut machines that fill boxes at U.P.S. If you are actually finishing your entire order of fries at any of these places, you really need to take a good look at your life. You may be at risk of being a tremendous, tremendous fat ass. Very high risk.

But no. Bobby doesn't even stop there with the potato famine insult brigade. Not only is he french frying the fuck out of billions of potatoes, but he is also "Crunchifying" your burger. If a giant pail of fries isn't quite enough startch, Bobby has more potato for you. He's adding a pile of potato...CHIPS on top of your burger. And giving it a gimmicky name! "Crunchified!"

                                                                         You hate the Irish?  Me too

My god how much potato can one man waste?!?! Jezuz H Christ forget crop diseases that caused the famine, I think the ancesters of Bobby Flay stole all the potatoes in Ireland and sold them to gypsies for a penny on the dollar.

                                **blogger understands Bobby Flays head is not physically fat.

Love those Lohantics with Robski

The day after St. Patricks Day is a favorite day of mine here in Boston because it's the day I get to see all the Seagulls out in the early morning eating the puke off the sidewalks, but this day after St. Patty's was extra special because Lindsay Lohan provided us the vomit on the sidewalk of her career and I am including Liz & Dick.

The day for me started out slow, coffee sans Bailey's giving the liver a rest after a holiday, Raisin Bran, worked on some projects for my upcoming Etsy adventure, checked out Revenge on DVR and then a good poop. Amazing how the coffee and cereal did nothing but that suppository of a show called Revenge on ABC can push a stool out quicker than a power bottom with a Fleet Enima. I am thankful I was able to clear my old colon because if I didn't the fuckery I was about to witness online would have made me shit myself like my Missus on a taco night. 

Reports were all over the internet about how Lindsay Lohan was due in court at 8:30 AM in California. She has already missed one flight from New York, pulled herself off another and in a rock star move got a friend to lend her a private jet. She must have an amazing vagina to get access to private jets at a moments notice, note to self start doing those Kegels again. Long story short, she shows up to court late looking tired and greasy yet somehow better than her attorney who looks like Fonzi's used car salesman cousin and ends up getting a great plea deal. In essence she gets another free pass as long as she goes to rehab, sees a shrink, does a little community service and stays out of trouble. 

It was a great train wreck to watch on it's own merit but the real Alexis/Crystal drama took place after court when her lawyer went outside to address the media. This was Attorney Mark Heller's moment to soak up the fame and you could tell he was enjoying the spotlight. He took to the microphones and was patting himself on the back when Lindsay's dad Michael showed up and started ranting at him in tongues. A decent honest man would have defended himself and called out Michael but Heller ran like a Kenyan. 

I have to wonder if Lindsay is brilliant or just the luckiest person alive. She was a respected actress making millions but now she's known for being a party girl, getting into fights with people, being a groupie to a boyband, ruining designer clothes and asking Charlie Sheen for money. Sidenote: In the early 2000s I did all of these things and not once did I ever get a private jet, free cars or any court leniency. Long story short she's still making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, clubbing, having a good life and I still have to remain 100 feet away from Lance Bass at all times. Where is the fairness I ask you? Given that there is no great sudsy train wreck drama on TV anymore I say Lindsay is brilliant, she knew her career was over so she found a niche to fill and a way to stay relevant. Make that cash LiLo and bank roll the party lifestyle we wish we could all have. 

I read a report this morning that Lindsay told her friends she only chose the rehab plea deal because she was scared of jail. I interpret that as she'll do her 90 days in rehab and we can be prepared for some more Lohantics by the summer.

Nextel Hobo Tech- A Breakup Story, By Darren Hanson

Nextel Hobo Tech - A Breakup Story

Words and Pictures by Darren Hanson

------------------------------------------------

So I have been trying to figure out the mechanics of rigging a giant rolling boulder in my house. Why? I anticipate a visit by Indiana Jones at some point that will end with me discovering a bag of sand where I left my cell phone plugged in to charge. I just want to make sure Dr. Jones stays on his toes.

Yeah I have an old cell phone and cell plan. How old? A couple years? Five years? No, it was handed to me up on Mount Sinai, and was a decent upgrade to the burning bush I had been using up to that point. (I always got stiffed by the hidden fees on those “peak” hours. Ha! Ha. Yeah.) Okay, maybe my old Nextel plan isn’t a gift from God, but it is a small miracle that I still have this thing going.

Back in the year of our lord 2001, I was an employee at CompUSA. Remember that place? They were a retailer who carved out a niche selling things like desktop computers, the Cotton Gin, and those airplanes with ten wings that hop up and down but don’t fly. They had a counter with hand-held PDA’s and flip phones and such that I didn’t care much about. I was never interested in having a cell phone. Until the rep from Nextel came to town to hawk her wares. CompUSA employee discount plan, huh? Okay, you have my attention, you naughty tech-sales vixen.

The deal was this. Buy one of the Motorola phones used by the Nextel network. One was a flip phone that I knew would break faster than any of my diets at a Chinese buffet. The other… well it looked tougher. If it were a person it would have the cauliflower ears of a prizefighter. The Motorola I88. With no movable parts, except a retractable antennae, it seemed this phone may be able to hold it’s own in the knick-knack death match coliseum known as my pants pocket.

The plan boasted 1000 minutes of talk time a month anytime. That’s a lot of minutes. I was currently getting by using 0 cell minutes a month. But to have 1000? Without worries of peak hours or calling during off-hours? I like when technology takes a couple dirty nibbles on my earlobe. Wait, hold on… the plan also has UNLIMITED Direct Connect! The hot feature hit parade keeps on coming. What is Direct Connect? Well, it’s like your phone is also a CB radio you can use to talk back and forth with other Nextel users. What’s a CB radio? Come on, go Blockbuster and rent the Smokey and the Bandit videocassette and find out!

It was just a matter of signing on the dotted line now. It wouldn’t be until much later that I discovered the joys of the “java” game Reversi. Oh and then there’s the ability to receive some kind of emails over phones… a kind of message made from texts, but through the phone? I discovered this eventually when I received a message that had a day/month stamp with a time. No name or phone number was attached. Who was it from? There was no way to tell. Also I could find no way to send these mystical messages. Not that I needed them, since I used the phone to call people. I want to strengthen my friendships with real communication, not impersonal little one-sentence messages. Also they charged an additional fee of 25 cents per message, so screw that.

With that I hoisted the sail and began my journey out of the harbor of high technology toward the future. It was looking bright. Gone are the days of me getting home from a night out with my friends to check messages at home wondering if there were any births or deaths while I was out having a good time. Now the evening can be ruined at any time during my adventures. How handy!

So it went for about five years. Then, like a child who refused to eat his dinner, the phone would no longer charge. “Incompatible Charger” it would say on the screen before powering off. For a time I could perform some bondage moves with rubber bands and such to keep the chord at just the right angle to charge. But it didn’t last. I needed a new phone.

I heard there were phones with color screens now! This was probably around 2006 and I was due for an upgrade. I quickly realized I didn’t want to spend $200 and up for a new phone. That was a lot of money. Keep in mind back in 2006, $200 was like $210 today when you adjust for inflation. And cell plans… $60 to $100 a month! I was paying $10 a month. I did what any person who prefers to blow his money on fancy cheeses than cell phone bills would do… got the new Motorola phone. The I88s. Yeah, the same exact phone. With an “s” added to the name. I kept the plan.

Fast forward to today. Yes, I have the same phone now. Yes, I still pay 25 cents per text message I get from people that I can’t identify. I used the direct connect feature with one friend who had a Nextel phone for his job for a couple years and that was it. So it’s been $10 a month for 1000 minutes anytime. No longer a friend with benefits. Still, my Nextel (bought out by Sprint in 2004) CompUSA (out of business since 2008) employee (stopped working there what, in 2002?) discount plan is still plugging along.

My Motorola I88s, well, to quote Han Solo “she may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.” Actually, it never did hold a charge well. I averaged about an hour of talk time on a charge. Which in hindsight probably kept me under the 1000 minutes most months. There were always problems charging as well. Signal strength is always hit-or-miss. The earpiece broke and I can mostly use speakerphone only. The retracting antennae would come out completely if you pulled too hard. Come to think of it, I kind of hate my phone.

That said, two things recently happened that spells doom for my cheap ride. For starters, Sprint/Nextel recently announced doom for the Nextel network. They are shutting it down in June. There it is, doom can’t be any clearer if it was on a 4G network. So now I MUST change my phone and update my plan. Doom!

The other thing happened when I was in the Subway in Boston waiting on the platform. I looked down at a panhandling hobo who was texting, web browsing, streaming Smokey and the Bandit or something on his smart phone. Mind you, not only can I not do those things with my phone, but also my Nextel phone doesn’t even get a flipping signal in the subway. I knew I was low-tech, but it never dawned on me that I was below hobo-tech. My phone surely has encouraged snooty glares from drunken drifters behind my back. Not good.

So I guess all good things must come to an end. So must all cheap yet disappointingly weak cell packages. A cell phone plan, a box of wine or a torrid relationship won’t last forever. But I gave Nextel the best years of my cell phone life! I stuck it out and put up with the dropped calls, poor coverage, boring features and I’m pretty sure that phone also snored; and now they are going to dump me? I could have been sexting with a better phone a long time ago! But I stayed by their side. I guess I hoped Nextel would change and we’d be happy again some day, like we were in the beginning. Now I face the prospect of starting over, playing the cell phone scene again. At my age I don’t know where I will begin, having been off the market for so long. I need to stay positive, look to the future and know things will only get better. I wish Sprint/Nextel all the best, and I hope they find what they are looking for with their future customers. But more importantly, I hope their next boyfriend is an asshole.