There’s a game every town with snowfall
plays, no one really knows they play it, but they do. I call it Roadhorse.
Roadhorse happens after there’s a significant snowfall and you need to drive
somewhere. While you are on the road you stay in previously made tire tracks
for better traction. If you live in a city or nice town, the first made tracks
you’re following are made from a snowplow or a big salt truck, someone who
belongs on the road. In towns like mine
the first tire tracks in the snow are made by someone who just woke up that
really needs cigarettes, or a pissed off teenager that thinks snowfall
transforms the town in to “Hazard County”.
Following these tracks (that can only
be made by Optimus Prime having a stroke while being dragged away by Starscream)
is a feeling of security and wonder. Secure with having traction and a lower
chance of getting stuck, and the wonder of why these tracks swerve to the wrong
side of the road, on the curb, or if this retard was driving backwards. I also
wonder if this person knows how much power they have. With all the people blindly
following this weirdo’s crazy example, we have officially become a cult.
‘Leader says if I drive dangerously close to oncoming traffic I’ll be safe’. ‘Leader
says I’ll be better off if I clip the snow bank like he did’.
It was on one of these trips when I was
playing “Roadhorse” (which is now second nature) and thinking that maybe Fred Flintstone
would be the fastest cartoon character ever if he ran full speed without
pulling a car with stone wheels, stone seats, and a canopy top that worked
against him. Thinking this while risking my life, the falling snow around me
lights up white and blue. If I was high I might have thought I was driving at
the bottom of a fish tank. Looking in the rearview I see a cop car coming in
close. I pull over, straying from the tracks. With the cop car forcing me to
pull over in deep snow and knowing I’m stuck, I now get the feeling the cop car
is going to knock my car’s books out of its hands, and call my car a faggot as
it runs off to gym class.
Both cars now stopped, the cop gets out
and walks to my window. Talking in a concerned voice he asks “ Are you having
trouble?”. I said, “No, the person before me was”. “And who is the person
before you?”, he asked. “I don’t know I’m just trying to stay in their tracks
for better traction”. “Really”, he said with razed eyebrows. “Well, that and to
keep police evidence intact officer, this guy needs to be caught!”, I
responded. He gives me a ticket shaking his head. He hands me the ticket and
gets in his car. Knowing It’s going to take me some effort to get out of the
snow, I wait for him to leave first. Good thing I did because I saw something
amazing happen. A black hole of society formed in front of me. The cop pulls
out and drives off ahead of me and
doesn’t know half his car is driving on the wrong side of the road until a big
truck comes around the bend and almost hits him. I saw something amazing. A cop
who gave me a ticket for driving like a crazy person had just unknowingly put
his faith in a crazy person by blindly following in his or her tracks.
When I saw this happen, I braced myself
because if there were aliens watching our planet and they saw what just
happened, that would have been the time to attack. I imagine them canceling
their world-dominating plan that was decades in development and going with a less
complicated plan. Something along the lines of making tire tracks leading off
of cliffs, into trees, or just making tracks that lead the army in circles as
they kill everyone. Maybe while the aliens are pissing themselves laughing at
the sight of an authority figure doing something so stupid, they’ll treat the
planet accordingly and activate a gigantic robotic arm that will hit the planet
over and over again with a huge skipper hat.
And that’s why I think there are no
aliens out there watching us. But my
theory on why there is a Lock Ness Monster is a different story and will have
to wait for another time.
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