Poop is never not funny, by Robski

Ever since I became a stay at home mom I have taken the Liz Lemon approach to my life where I am slowly transitioning my pajamas into day wear. This slow transition into a Floridian (Ft Lauderdale gays excluded) has overall been quite a welcome one. I haven't done my hair in weeks and I rarely shave in essence I am comfortable 24/7 and I love it, why you ask? Because in my slobby ways I am still managing to keep up with my personal hygiene my na-na is still fresh as the morning dew. Now the following is a story of personal hygiene regarding someone I know who has given me permission to discuss this story however they asked that I wouldn't use their real name, so for the purpose of this story lets just refer this anonymous person only as "My Husband". 

"My Husband" has the opportunity to work from home and on these days this person also transitions their pajamas into day wear, it's nice to walk around the house together being happy and comfortable (assuming this anonymous person lives with me of course). One morning last week "My Husband" and I were chatting when our dog walked up to him.. .I mean "this person" and shoved his nose right up his ass. This is somewhat normal dog behavior however the dogs bulging eyes and linger was anything but normal. This is when "My Husband" looked at me and said "OH I shit myself last night and haven't showered yet". It was later in the morning, maybe early afternoon, Wendy Williams was on and to be honest I thought I smelled something but living with dogs poop smells are common. We laughed it off together because there is no time when poop is not funny and this anonymous person went off to shower.

I am a person who has issues sleeping, sometimes I can't sleep so I do what any red blooded American male would do, I go downstairs and I watch marathons of The Golden Girls that I have stored up on my DVR. I was lying there watching the show and at some point I drifted off a bit and ended up laying my head on the couch cushion and did get some sleep. Maybe 30 minutes or so go by and I remember waking up to the smell of poop again. I thought to myself, oh great a dog dragged poop in on their paws and got some on the couch. At that point I just shifted my head and thought to myself I'll clean it in the morning. Morning rolled around and "My Husband" had taken off on his business trip so I figured I better get to cleaning. I went over to the cushion with the offending odor and I found a peculiar looking streak on the couch, it was not a dog foot print, it was not a dog streak, it was a clear imprint of a poop streak on the couch of what looked like poop in between 2 butt cheeks sitting kitty corner in the same manor "My Husband" does. I inspected the other cushion and found a SPLAT mark on that one. At this point I had to get my Detective Jessica Fletcher hat and magnifying glass on and figure out the mystery of the midnight poop streak. 

I spoke to "My Husband" who when questioned without much prompting the whole story came out. As it turns out "My Husband" had fallen asleep on the couch the night before at which point he remembers sleep farting what could only be described as the most comfortable wet fart he ever had. Since he was awoken by his amazing fart (not the first time this has happened) he just went up to bed and didn't think twice about it. It wasn't until the next day when the dog smelled his ass did he realize he shit himself. I know this as fact since I was there when this person pulled their underwear down to find the offending marks. I brought up the stain on the couch to which he confirmed yes he was sitting kitty corner on the couch when he Mr. Belvedered in his pants (Urban Dictionary it) he also recalls standing up for a second then sitting down again which would explain the splatter on the second cushion which also explains the nose full of shit I got when I had fallen asleep on the couch in the midnight hours. 

After several days of discussion we washed the couch cushions, washed ourselves but will never wash our minds of this hilarious mystery of the midnight shart because as I said before personal hygiene is important but poop is never not funny.