Apartments.  How fantastic are you?  In this lovely life most of Americans lead the most fascinating is the ever so close living situations known as apartments.  I live in a building that contains 4 apartments. 2 upstairs.  2 downstairs.  I live downstairs.  The people that live upstairs provide constant excitement.  After all it is exciting to be woken up at 2AM because a herd of horse are being paraded through a living room with hardwood floor (Broads wearing high heels on hardwood floors is the loudest and possibly the most attractive noise in the world).  Of course we live with it.  This morning however was as good a moment as we've had.  Apartment living means you share in the joys and heartbreaks of your neighbors, as well as every time those fucks drop something.  I decided to share this mornings proceedings in the form of a play.

I am going to show you how black I am - A Play -

Characters -
Bridget - Upstairs neighbor -
Rich girl from the burbs. Thin build.  Approximately 23-28 years old.  Current style.  Half black - Half white.  (I have seen her parents).  She's a Harvard Law grad that no longer uses her degree.  Just had a baby approximately 3 months ago.  She drives a Beemer that her mom and dad bought.   Has pushed me to a new level of hatred.  She looks like the actor who was in Ice Pirates.

                                                 - the black guy -

John - Boyfried/Baby Daddy of Upstairs neighbor -
Thin and fairly handsome male.  Approximately 25-30 years old.  White.  Not very stylish.  His name is not John, but looks like that's his name.  I was very excited to hate him, but he's nice.  Feet made of cement cinder blocks.

Ev Orfa - Me
Medium build.  Good looking dude.  Constantly looking through the blinds to spy on the neighbors.
Has recently discovered he cannot explode people with his minds, because if he could he would have exploded the neighbors.

Miffy -  My Special lady friend.

The scene opens with Miffy and Ev Orfa sitting on the couch,  and watching the TV. The day was spent having listened to 3 straight hours of 2 adults trying to smash the hardwood floor in the apartment upstairs.

Ev Orfa - Does anyone actually watch this show Bones?  It's fucking terrible...
(BOOOM BOOOM BOOM.  There is a knock on the door)
Ev Orfa - Is that our door?  Sounds like it.
Miffy - I don't think so.

 - The door knocking sounds muffled, like it could be the neighbor's door.  Ev Orfa gets up from the couch to look out the window. It's Bridget knocking on the door.  Ev Orfa is perplexed. -

Bridget - Oh do you believe this fucking shit head!  (boom boom boom on the door She is on the phone)
Ev Orfa - it's Bridget, it's like she's locked out.
Miffy - OK. Why are you spying on them?
Ev Orfa - We gots to know.
Miffy - Well she should be using the door bell.  Bitch.

Ev Orfa returns to look out the window.

Bridget - Oh he's going to get fucked up.  He is a fuck.  Which car is his?  Is his the black car?
Ev Orfa - Ummm the black car is mine.  No that's my car. (he says under his breath)
Bridget - I am going to fuck his shit up.  OPEN THE DOOR YOU SHIT HEAD!!!!! Ok Mom.  I will call you back.
Bridget - (phone rings she answer it again) Well he's a dick.  He's always talking shit about Bridget.

- Ev Orfa who is me is confused... I didn't realize this is not Bridget, it's her twin sister.  I do not know her name.  I will call her Solange -

Character Update - addition -
Solange - Looks Bridget.  A really angry Bridget.  Again the guy from Ice Pirates -

                                                 - the black guy again -

Solange - He's constantly talking shit about Bridget, and you and Dad.  He's a fucking asshole.  You know what he said?  He said Johnny's not black.  He's white.  Not only that he said, i am not black.  He said you're from Shrewsbury, you're not black.  Black people don't come from Shrewsbury! Fuck this shit.  I am going to fuck up his car... IS HIS CAR BLACK?  I'm going to show him how black I am!  ok.  ok. ok.  Call me back Mom.

Ev Orfa - (comes back into the living room) She's going to fuck up my car! She thinks my car is that prick's upstairs.

Solange - Ok fine mom.  Tell him to open the fucking door.  OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR YOU PUSSY.  He's a pussy.  He wont open the door, because he's scared of me. He's scared of me.  Fuck him.  Ok. Ok.  Alright mom.  Alright mom. I'll be right there.

Ev Orfa - (sighs with relief)

Solange - (walks down the drive and turns the corner out of sight)

- Fin -
by Ev Orfa